


Upós

by panghahawakan



Category: Gaya sa Pelikula (Web Series) RPF
Genre: (But make it 3D's Version), Alcohol, Angst and Feels, Dialogue-Only, Established Relationship, I almost went bald writing this, I am so sorry. That's it, I pulled on my hair so much, It took way too long that it should've to finish, M/M, Sugarfree - Burnout, Swearing
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-19 11:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29998809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panghahawakan/pseuds/panghahawakan
Summary: "When did we become this?""Become what?""This. A huge list of unfulfilled dreams."
Relationships: Paolo Pangilinan/Ian Pangilinan
Comments: 20
Kudos: 70





	Upós

**Author's Note:**

> #WritersGoFeral for prompt #36: Pagod na siya, mhie.
> 
> Purely dialogue. Ian's lines are on plain text. **Pao's on bold.**
> 
> A little prelude: [Burnout - Mikee](https://t.co/oz0xXtm5Us?amp=1).

Pao? Ikaw ba 'yan?

**Hey, Ian. Yeah.**

You scared me.

**I'm sorry, ha.**

That's okay. Sorry to have kept you waiting, nakatulog ka na yata nang nakaub-ob there. C'mere, tara na. Lipat na sa kama. I'll put the food and plates away.

**I don't… want to.**

Pao, you reek. Are you drunk?

**I'm not drunk, Ian. I am drinking, yes, but I am not drunk. Not yet.**

…Okay. Can you sit up?

**I'm not going to stop drinking if that's what you're about to convince me to do.**

I'm not planning on it. I just want you to sit properly. Baka lalo kang masuka niyan.

**Hindi nga ako lasing.**

Yeah, no, I didn't mean that.

**Good.**

  


  


I could actually use some booze right now. Do you mind?

**Ikaw bahala.**

  


  
What are you doing here by the way? Akala ko bukas pa uwi mo from QC to go out with your family for PLE?

**Insisted that we move it to next week, para ikaw kasama ko today.**

  


  
You shouldn't have, you know.

**Yeah. I know that now. I wanted to surprise you.**

I kept you waiting because I was clueless.

**I just thought maybe you missed me.**

I do miss you.

**Sure doesn't feel that way.**

What?

**Nothing.**

  


  


But um, how did you get your family to agree? It's a pretty big celebration to put off.

**It was hard to convince them, pero pumayag din si Mama. Sinabi kong para sa 'kin naman talaga yung pagsasaya, so it should be my say. Saka double celebration naman 'to e. Dapat.**

What do you mean double?

Wait. 

Oh, _holy fuck._ I forgot.

I'm sorry, Bub. Shit.

**And that explains the surprise. Glad you _finally_ caught on.**

I am really, really sorry. Babawi ako, promise.

**Huwag na. It's fine.**

…Ayaw mo akong bumawi?

**Hindi na, okay lang. It's nothing.**

  


  
Pao, c’mon. Let's talk about this. I try to start a conversation but your answers are so passive. And you say it's okay but you won't even look at me. Anong problema?

**Palagay mo? Char.**

Paolo, stop it.

**Ayaw ko nga. Gusto ko, hulaan mo.**

Let's not be petty, please. It's our monthsary.

**Ah, naalala mo na?**

So issue nga?

**Hindi nga. Seryoso mo masyado, Ian. Asar talo. Hindi ka pwede sa comedy bar.**

Look. Are you sure you're okay?

**The old you wouldn't ask because the old you would already know. Char ulit.**

Okay. It's obvious it's not nothing to you. Ayusin natin yung gusot, habang iisa at mababaw pa.

**Ah, mababaw.**

I didn’t mean it that way and you know that.

**E pa'no kung sabihin kong hindi naman talaga iisa at mababaw? Na tipping point lang yung pagkalimot mo?**

Then tell me, ano ngang problema? _Mga_ problema?

**Ano nga kasi sa palagay mo? Sabihin mo lang mga hula mo, nakikinig sa 'yo si Pooh ngayon.**

Paolo, I am trying my _best_ to be patient with you. I'm asking you because assuming wrongly could only make things worse.

**Laki ng effort, palakpakan.**

Just tell me what your problem is, pwede ba?!

**…Ha.**

  


  
Okay. Sorry for shouting. Sorry because hindi ko na naman alam kung paano ko aayusin, dahil ayaw mo na namang makipag-communicate. Fine. I'll clean up the table and wait for you to be done with your silent treatment. Tapos hindi pa rin pag-uusapan pagkatapos, kasi ayaw mo. Magkukunwari ka na lang na everything's okay, na parang walang lamat. Ikaw ulit masusunod.

**What kind of apology is that? Puta.**

Paolo, hindi ko rin naman alam kung anong hihingan ko ng tawad. What's the point?

**Okay! Pag-usapan natin. Ang gago at dense mo, leche. Sige. Lahat ng sama ng loob ko, pag-usapan natin, dahil 'yan ang gusto mo.**

What the hell. Ayoko na. Tama na. This is counterproductive, magsusumbatan lang tayo.

**Hindi, sige! Gusto mo e. Tutal nasimulan mo na. Itigil mo 'yang pagsisinop mo, halika rito. Magsimula tayo sa ngayon lang, para madali. Wala ka man lang ba masasabi sa paghahanda ko? Pinasadahan mo na nga lang ng tingin, inalok mo pa linisin? Reaction mo na talaga yung "you scared me?" Final answer na?**

Is that it? Diyos ko, I was shocked, Paolo! I didn’t even think you'd be home now! For all I know you were a burglar!

**Burglar, amputa. Malamang uuwi ako! Monthsary natin, Ian. Ah, oo nga pala, nalimutan mo.**

Exactly, _nalimutan,_ hindi kinalimutan. I didn't intend to. Sinabi ko namang babawi ako, ah? Don't you think I mean that?! At saka teka, akala ko ba hindi 'to issue? 'Yan na yung sinasabi ko sa 'yo, Paolo. Ang hirap mong kausap.

**Okay fine! Ako na naman malabo, sige. Kasalanan ko ulit. Let's stick to what you remember. PLE results. Ni hindi ka nag-congrats? Ano 'yon?**

I did when you called me after getting them!

**Yeah? Of course you did. You said congrats, but immediately dismissed me and said you'll have to call back because you're at work. But you didn't call back, Ian. You didn't. And I waited. Not overnight, but two days. Pero ni ha, ni ho, wala. Radio silence! Kung hindi ka pa nag-post kaninang umaga, hindi ko malalaman na nakauwi ka na pala. At gets ko, Ian. Kasi trabaho mo 'yan e, pangarap mo. Pero putangina, pangarap ko rin to, oh. Pahingi namang suporta d'yan, kahit kaunti lang.**

Are you kidding me? I was heading to Batanes for the taping when you called, wala talagang signal do'n! Paolo, kahit once hindi ka nakarinig ng atungal mula sa akin sa ilang buwan mong pagkawala para sa reviews mo, tangina. You didn't hear a peep from me for all the date nights you missed, or the texts you didn’t reply to, or the occasions you arrived too late. Wala akong sinabi when you couldn't be with me on my birthday because three weeks kang nasa review center. And I reprimanded myself for getting upset because just like you, I know our dreams are shared and achieved together. Sumama rin ang loob ko pero kahit isang beses, hindi kita sinumbatan. Pero the way you're acting now, it makes me think maybe I should start counting your shortcomings. Tangina, nagbibilangan na tayo. Don't you see how fucking shallow this is?

**Don't call my dreams shallow, tangina mo.**

I didn't mean your dreams, Paolo. I meant this fight, this drama!

**So gano'n? Kapag may issue, ikaw lang pwedeng magalit. Iyo lang ang big deal. Gets.**

I didn't fucking say anything about that.

**Tao rin ako, Ian. I may be well in controlling my emotions but that doesn't mean I don't have them!**

At kailan ba kita pinigilan, ha? I said mag-open up ka! You know very well I want to be there for you. You're the one who keeps shutting me out for god's sakes.

**Maybe that’s the time for you to take a fucking hint, then!**

“Take a fucking hint”? Wow! Are you even hearing yourself? Ang hirap-hirap lagi ng nire-require mo sa ‘kin. It isn’t ever enough that I want to be there for you, no? I have to know perfectly without you saying a word. Well breaking news, I don’t have reading minds for a fucking superpower, Paolo. Ang hiningi ko lang sa ‘yo ay sabihin mo kapag may mali, not walk on a goddamn tightrope!

**Nakaka-engganyo maglabas ng sama ng loob sa tono mo, grabe.**

E tangina, ano bang dapat kong gawin? Lumuhod? Magmakaawa? Ganito ka na lang lagi. Hindi ko hawak ang mga salita mo!

**Didn't you ever stop to think that maybe I just wanted you to try to better understand me without having to say anything?**

Well didn't you ever stop to think that maybe I'd get tired of having to decipher your codes all the time?

**I thought you knew our silence.**

Well maybe I didn't.

Maybe, maybe it was silent and easy in your head, but in mine, it was noisy, and loud, and it was always second-guessing.

  


  
**You didn't mean that.**

I don't know. Maybe I did.

  


  
**So you've been clueless, all this time?**

  


  
Nitong kamakailan, _lagi na lang akong nangangapa sa dilim pagdating sa 'yo._

  


  
**Pagod ka na.**

What do you want me to answer?

**Wala. Hindi naman 'yon tanong.**

Paolo, please. I’m sorry.

**Ayaw ko nang ubusin mo pa oras mo sa 'kin.**

No, stop. Stop it.

**Tama na, Ian. Quota na tayo.**

This is not—

**Huwag nang ipilit.**

What do I do?

**Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo?**

Para magawa ko kung anong gusto mo, maayos lang natin 'to. Just tell me I can still fix it, Pao.

**Ako rin, Ian. Gustong-gusto kong plantsahin.**

Then what's stopping you?

**Pagod na rin ako.**

  


  
No, this couldn't be it. You just came home. I just did, too.

**Ian.**

We've both had alcohol.

**No, Ian.**

Tara, halika na. Itulog lang natin 'to. We'll talk about it in the morning.

**Ibang pahinga ang kailangan ng pagod na 'to.**

Please.

**Ian, we've fought countless times, but you know I never give these kinds of ultimatums just to not mean it.**

Please.

**I mean it.**

**_Tama na, Ian._**

  


  
Fuck.

  


  
**Anong plano? Tangina, para tayong mga tuod na nakatayo rito. Litong-lito na ako sa kung ano dapat unahin, kung magagalit o iiyak o manunumbat. Hindi ko na tanda kung paano dapat makipaghiwalay. Hindi ako maalam humiwalay sa ‘yo. Parang tanga.**

Ako, I know what to do.

**Ano?**

Tara, mag-inom.

**Okay.**

Wait. Really?

**We got nothing better to do. Pwede rin akong magsimulang mag-impake while we're at it. Para naman hindi sayang oras.**

Wait. _Impake?_

**Why?**

…Nothing.

  


  
**Paano ba mag-alsa balutan kapag biglaan? Sa'n ka dapat magsimula? Papasa nga ng bagong bote, ubos na yung sa ‘kin.**

…Fine. I'll help you.

**Seryoso ka? Tutulungan mo mag-impake sarili mong ex?**

**Ay, puta. Ex. I address you as my ex now.**

Fuck.

**…That was insensitive, I'm sorry. Tinatamaan na talaga ako.**

It's fine. Totoo naman. Wala na tayo.

**Tangina.**

What?

**Ang sakit nga. Hindi ako handa ro'n.**

Neither of us were ready to become each other's past tense, anyway, but here we are.

  


  
**Ang bano talaga natin ano? Nasa iisang space pa rin tayo ngayon.**

I honestly didn't think you'd agree to my invite. I imagine you would storm off.

**Hindi makatotohanan. Wala tayo sa libro, ano ba. Baka maligaw lang ako sa daan dahil lasing ako. Mas praktikal na dito na lang. Muna. Bakit ka gan’yan makatingin?**

Wala. Just. You admitted you're drunk.

**Because I am now. Kanina, hindi talaga.**

Bakit kung kailan tayo sober, that's when we fought? And now that we're intoxicated, hindi na tayo nagsusumbatan?

**Hindi naman yun tungkol sa kung may sumisigaw o wala. Hindi lang tayo nagsusumbatan.**

**Pero masakit pa rin.**

  


  
May I ask something?

**Sure. Last night na naman, what the hell.**

Don't you have… regrets?

**I'm sure they'll come soon, more and more as time passes. Pero ngayon kasi nananaig yung pakiramdam na ito talaga yung tama.**

Hindi ko na ba talaga pwedeng baguhin ang isip mo?

**CR lang ako.**

  


  
Hey, look over here. I found something.

**Hala, nalimutan ko na 'to.**

It’s the polaroid we got from work.

**…Is this a tactic?**

What?

**Wala, nevermind. You can keep it.**

Okay. I'll leave it here, I need to fetch you a new box for your other things.

  


  
**Ayoko na, suko na ako. Nakakatamad mag-impake, ang sakit na ng ulo ko. Huwag na lang kaya natin ituloy?**

I'll help you continue in the morning. Stay the night.

**Hindi ‘yon. Ang ibig sabihin ko, huwag na lang kaya ako umalis bukas?**

What?

**Joke lang. Asa siya agad oh.**

Goddamnit, Paolo.

**Ay, umasa nga?**

You know I'd take you back in a heartbeat.

**You know I would, too.**

Then why won't you?

**Dahil alam kong naguguluhan lang ako ngayon dahil mahirap magsimula. Pero mas mahihirapan kapag hindi umalis.**

…Tuloy ka na ba talaga?

**Oo. Tuloy pa.**

I need another drink.

  


  
**Inay. Ang boring na talaga mag-impake.**

What?

**Hindi pa ba obvious? Inaaya kita sumayaw.**

  


  
Why are you— Why are we—

**No, Ian. This isn’t us getting okay, okay?**

…Okay.

**Pabaon lang ‘to. Pabaon lang.**

  


  
Why are you laughing?

**Wala, hindi ko maalala kung kailan tayo huling sumayaw.**

Oh.

**Tapos naalala ko lang kung bakit ang tagal kong naniwala.**

Bakit?

**Because of exactly this: the way we fit like cogs. Because of the way my hand fills your palms. Because of the way your arm rests on my shoulders.**

Because the feeling of having each other this close beats the feeling of a celestial event taking place.

  
**Kaya lang, hindi na siya sapat.**

  


  
So, what now, Doc?

**Hindi ko na talaga alam. Ang tagal ko 'tong pinaghirapan. Ang tagal kong inilaban. Sobrang hirap, pero tinuloy ko kasi ang alam ko, worth it. Naniwala akong worth it. Pero nandito na ako, at tangina. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Daig ko pa ang batang ligaw sa gubat.**

**Takot na takot ako.**

Paolo, I'm sure offers from different hospitals will come flooding your mailbox before you can even begin applying.

**I didn't mean my career, Ian. I meant us. Hindi mo na naman ako ma-gets.**

Ang cryptic mo kasi magsalita.

**...I’m sorry.**

Is this really it for us? After everything? Titigil na lang tayo, just because it isn't easy anymore?

**You know damn well that's not true. Sinabi ko na, nilaban ko 'to nang sobra. Pareho tayo.**

…But it hasn't been easy for a long, long time, has it?

**At magkaiba ang inilalaban sa ipinipilit.**

  


  
Ang bigat pala nu'n, ano?

**Ng hiningi natin mula sa isa't-isa? Oo.**

If you think of it, our dreams were born separately. They were their own different figures, shaped into however we wanted them because we didn't have to think about anyone else but our own selves. And then, well, we happened.

We tried, so, hard. To rearrange them, in order to fit each other's mold, each other's life. We wanted so bad for it to work. We didn't wonder even for a second about the possibility that maybe it was hard to fit because they really weren't cut out to click after all.

And now not only are our pieces and our plans irrevocably damaged, but they also seem to be missing parts when separated, too—jagged, awkward, and sharp on all the wrong edges. And it hurt to hold our pieces.

  


  
**When did we become this, Ian?**

Become what?

**This. A huge list of unfulfilled dreams. Alam mo yung parang biglang isang araw, naubos na lang ang pwede nating tuparing pangarap kasama ang isa't-isa?**

I don't know, either. And I hate that I don't.

  


  
**Pwede ulit magtanong?**

Sure. Ask away. Like you said, last na naman e.

**Why didn't you call?**

Pag-uwi ko this morning? Kasi you're at home sa bahay niyo. Celebrating with your family.

**C'mon, Ian. Not long ago from now, you would stay the night at our house the moment you get home from a faraway location. You would constantly text and try to find good connection, kahit na nasa may barrio ka pa. These things never stopped you, nothing ever did. Where did all of that go?**

They never intended to leave. It's just you stopped seeing. A part of me thought you didn't appreciate it anymore. Worse of all was sometimes, I felt like you don’t want even my mere presence. So they left.

**Masyado tayong nakampante, 'no? Masyadong naging tahimik. Kahit hindi na okay.**

I'm sorry. Really.

**I'm sorry, too.**

  


  
Alam mo bang may plano akong lumuwas tayo next week? For celebration.

**…Really?**

Yeah. Already booked the flight to CDO. I remember during your review around August. It was during one of your all-nighters, see. Sumigaw ka na lang bigla, nang malakas, out of frustration. You said pagkatapos ng PLE, pasa man o hindi, you're going to take a vacation, somewhere far but not outside the country's borders. Because you deserve the break. I told you off for shouting and so did our neighboring tenant. But while you were laughing, that's when I got the idea. That's why I set the monthsary aside sa utak ko, because mentally, I already had plans for it pagbalik mo. It was a surprise.

**Are you telling me right now that everything we just fought about is not an issue at all?**

Sinabi ko naman sa 'yo, sabihin mo e.

**Ayaw ko na mag-away ulit. Tama na yung kanina.**

Me neither.

**Hindi pa rin tayo okay.**

I know. Hindi naman 'yon ang naghiwalay sa atin. It's what made us fight, yes. But what broke us is miscommunication. Something much, much bigger. Something that's been looming over us for quite some time now. I get it.

**Sayang.**

Yung plans? You can have the tickets and booking, para sa 'yo naman talaga yun.

**Not that.**

Then anong sayang?

**Tayo.**

  


  
I don't think so.

**You don't think what?**

Na sayang tayo.

**So hindi ka nanghihinayang, gano'n ba?**

Not that, sira. We're more like, a series of unintentionally missed hits, you know? Most especially in the latter part of our relationship. We thought we knew love. Believed we were fluent in it. Turns out, we spoke different languages. And you were great, I'm sure. I just didn't understand you. And vice versa. And I would have my regrets, yes. Even now, I know I should've learned how to speak yours. But I won't ever think we're wasted.

We believed in our chances and there's nothing wrong with that. Tumaya. Natalo. Pero hindi ko ipagpapalit sa kahit na ano ang nakuha kong pagkakataon na sumugal kasama ka.

  


  
**Tama na ang pagsasayaw. Ayaw ko na.**

Bakit?

**Pagod na ako.**

Then let's sit, tapos balik tayo ulit.

**Hindi na siguro. Sinisibulan na naman ako ng pag-asa e. Chos. Yung itsura mo hindi maipinta.**

Pero hindi ka pa muna aalis?

**Hindi pa nga. Bukas na.**

Okay.

**Ikaw naman pala yung asang-asa. Tama na nga. Hindi pa rin naman nagbabago desisyon ko.**

I know. But at least I have until the morning. Kahit uminom na lang tayo. Kahit hindi na mag-usap. I'll take what I can get.

**Kahit ayaw ko nang sumayaw?**

Kahit ayaw mo nang bumalik.

  


  
**Anong tinitingnan mo d’yan?**

Pao, why is the polaroid you gave me... inside your box?

**Sorry. I looked at it while you were gone. I realized I wanted a piece of us, and that that was it. You can get it back.**

No, keep it.

**Patingin nga ako ulit nung photo.**

Here.

  


  
**For what it's worth, we had a good run.**

Yeah, we did. Even to this very last hurrah.

**Too bad it had to end, 'no?**

I refuse to believe that it is.

**Ian.**

Nevermind I said that. Sorry.

**Ian.**

What?

**Don't.**

…I understand.

**Do you?**

Yeah. Even if it hurt, even if it was one word, it wasn't silence.

**…And that was all you needed.**

Yeah. Thank you, Pao.

**Good luck, Ian. In the next lifetime, perhaps.**

I'll look for you, I promise. Cheers?

**Cheers.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far. Again, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. This is purely fictional, and I pray to every god it stays that way.
> 
> Prompter, sorry rin. Feeling ko talaga winawalanghiya mo lang form namin, pero nabubog ako e. Ayan tuloy, nagwalanghiya ako pabalik.
> 
> Ms. Anika, thank you for agreeing to beta my work, kahit in probation ako sa inyo. Less violence and delinquency na po, promise.
> 
> Ms. Mikee, thank you for lending your voice to this fic. Please keep singing and writing, as long as it makes you happy.
> 
> Dedicated to everyone in GSP Twitter who believes in me, and roots for me. Dedicated to you. _O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin._
> 
> I made a thread of my notes in Twitter regarding this fic. If you'd like to read more about it, if you want to process, analyze, [click this text](https://twitter.com/panghahawakan/status/1371259987419299841?s=21).
> 
> One kudos equals one prayer para sa lahat ng barda na makukuha ko. Shout at me on the comment box. Hunt me down on Twitter or CuriousCat: @panghahawakan.
> 
> _See you outside._


End file.
